Paving the road to nowhere, one word at a time.

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Location: Tijuana, Baja California, Mexico

American born, living in Mexico since 1992.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Terrorist Alert Threatens Holidays

TORONTO – Multiple unnamed sources are reporting that a level red terrorist alert will be issued beginning tomorrow. The sources, who wish to remain anonymous due to not having authorization to publicly comment, state that it is believed a fringe terrorist group originating extreme Northern Canada that goes by the name of San Taclas, plans on leaving packages distributed randomly, world wide. No word has been given by authorities close to the situation concerning the expected contents of the packages, although explosives and bio-hazardous chemicals have not been ruled out.

Little is known about the San Taclas. It was a wire-tapping anti-terrorist effort launched during the Bush administration where officials first learned of the group, through telephone conversations between what one source describes as, "Frighteningly young individuals that apparently have the capacity to communicate through a complex global network." The name "taclas" is French in origin, second-person singular past historic of "tacler", one who tackles. French authorities deny knowledge of any link the San Taclas has to France itself, although one spokesperson suggested that perhaps Quebec would become a focus of investigation. Government officials from the Canadian province have yet to issue a formal statement, but a spokesperson from Ontario was quoted as saying, "Quebec is a separate issue."

According to documents made public by the Freedom of Information Act, active operatives of San Taclas include extremely short people with large ears. They are believed to have been recruited for their ability to squeeze in and out of tight spaces and their acute sense of hearing. A leader of the terrorist group, who goes only by the name of Nicholas, is believed to be hiding in the most remote regions of Northern Canada in the company of his wife. Her name is not known. Efforts to find the location have failed, in large part due to the rugged and hostile environment of the region. The only wildlife able to withstand the frigid temperatures are seals, polar bears, and surprisingly, reindeer.

A press conference is expected to be held on December 24th, where authorities are likely to reveal more information concerning the situation.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

dave are out of your mind you can not leek stuff like this if it is true.john

9:59 PM, December 23, 2010  
Blogger David Alton Dodd said...

As a journalist, it is my duty to report the truth. I'll continue to cover this, I'll be attending tomorrow's press conference via remote from here. While this means that I'll be having to miss the Sears midnight sale, I think that it's more important that people have access to a reliable news source.

10:10 PM, December 23, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thank god kids dont read your a cook i can out do you i think. as a jounalist i do not think so.we had qa good xmas dad and mom are looking damn good i need to buy a new pc this thing sucks.bill is not doing so well i hate to see this as much as you can not stand him he is your uncle and mine to let the past go i have.any i love you and take care .john

10:31 PM, December 26, 2010  
Blogger David Alton Dodd said...

John, you dumb bastard, this was satire, no idea how you didn't see it. No worries though, I received at least two emails calling me a motherfucker. That goes on my writing resume.

I emailed mom and dad, I was so sick on Christmas Day I didn't even come downstairs. Tell them to forward the email, there's a few picks of Juan's son Azael in there. Cute kid. My grandson, your grand-nephew.

I don't hate Bill, I'm very sad for what's going on with him. I've expressed that to Brian Scott. I would love to see a miracle.

Love you too, my brother.

10:40 PM, December 26, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dave bill died at least he is not in pain no more.when dad told me i had to be there for him but he seemed to be doing well with it thank god.and i new your blog was a joke im not that lame .well take care .john

10:24 PM, January 02, 2011  

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