The Stimulus Miracle: Chapter Eight - The Good Earth

It's very important to protect our interior and our environment, and this portion of the bill addresses that issue. First, the Bureau of Land Management: 325 million for construction, "priority road, bridge, and trail repair". Priority, as in, shouldn't that have been taken care of with the funding already given? There must be a lot of trails in bad shape. And the Fish and Wildlife Service gets 300 million for construction, "priority road, bridge, and trail repair". Because fishes need bridges, damn it. And wildlife needs roads, in order to drive their battery-operated vehicles. And there we go with that priority thing again. Hurry up! The fish and wildlife, which now have high-speed internet access, need to get home and check their email.

The National Park Service gets 1.7 billion for construction, because all of that annoying wilderness needs some big buildings and shit. Oh, and National Mall in Washington receives 200 million for repair because it's a lot easier to use tax money than to charge a mere five dollar admission fee to attend the shiny new President's inauguration. The Centennial Challenge, which is already slated to haul in 3 billion over the next ten years, gets an additional 100 million, limited to matching donated funds, because its goal is to make America realize the potential of the National Park System. Got it. I now realize that the NPS needed 3.1 billion in order to have potential.

The Geological Survey gets 200 million for equipment, because rocks are important, too. The Bureau of Indian Affairs receives 500 million for construction of schools, jails, and houses, because the casinos, even though people work there for free, are far too poor to provide such an infrastructure. And the Hazardous Substance Superfund of 800 million is absolutely necessary, because how else are hazardous materials going to get funding? The "Leaking Underground Storage Tank Trust Fund Program" has to have 200 million because Mr. And Mrs. Underground Storage Tank lost their children's inheritance when the stock market tanked (pardon the pun). A trust fund for the young Tanks is just the thing needed.

State and Tribal Assistance Grants come to 8.4 billion where the majority of the money "shall be for capitalization grants for the Clean Water State Revolving Funds". Just so everyone knows, these are already funded at about 5 billion dollars annually. This is what water treatment costs in the U.S. But more is needed. And don't think for a minute that any of this funding goes anywhere else. Because it doesn't. That we know of. I think.

Forest Service: 650 million for construction, because it costs a lot to saw down those damned trees and build stuff that they can actually use. Like internet cafes for all of the wireless high speed computers, and roads for the battery operated cars. Related to that is Wildland Fire Management at 850 million, because sometimes we have to burn stuff. Again, because of the inability for the poor and struggling casinos to make a profit, Indian Health Facilities gets 550 million.

The Smithsonian gets 150 million for maintenance projects because charging a small entrance fee to offset such costs would be downright capitalistic. And last, and apparently least, the National Endowments for the Arts receives 50 million, and the tradition of funding only matching donated funds is not required.

According to my abacus the total so far is 132.412 billion. This bill had better hurry up and start spending some real money, and quick.

Next: Chapter Nine – Get A Job